


FAHC and Their Various Interactions With Animals

by ShadeOfAzmeinya



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Grand Theft Auto Setting, Animals, Fake AH Crew, Fluff, Pets, no ships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-06-09 16:49:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6915271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadeOfAzmeinya/pseuds/ShadeOfAzmeinya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short fics featuring the Fakes and their interactions with animals as well as stories of their pets and how they got them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Michael and Mr. Squawks

            The parrot came from, like all how strange things that appear around the base randomly come from, Gavin’s kleptomania.

            “The store didn’t even have working security cameras! And it was just sitting out in the open; the cage didn’t have a bloody lock or anything! It was just asking to be taken. It said ‘hello’ even!” Gavin explained, holding the cage with one brightly feathered culprit inside. It squawked, as if to add onto what Gavin was saying. “I know you said you didn’t want cats around the base-“

            “That rule applies to all pets Gavin! We can’t keep a fucking bird!” Geoff yells, “What the fuck were you thinking?!”

            “But he’s so cute! Come on, this will be top! We can all watch him. He won’t get into trouble. He doesn’t even have to leave the cage! All we need to do is feed it. I stole feed for it while I was there.”

            “Of fucking course you did,” Geoff sighs, running his hand down his face. “I’m not keeping a fucking bird in here.”

            “Well, its not like I can return it to the store!”

            “If you’re intent on taking it back to our apartment, you’re keeping it in your room,” Geoff says. 

            “Wot? I’m not keeping it in my room, its gonna smell!”

            “Then what the fuck were you planning on doing with it, you moron!?”

            “…I was hoping we could keep it in the heist planning room,” Gavin pleaded.

            “No, we’re not keeping it in the heist room, go find somewhere else for it or get rid of it.”

            “Fine, maybe Michael will appreciate Mr. Squawk.”

            “Oh my fucking god, you named it,” Geoff mumbled into his hands.

 

* * *

 

            “I can’t… fucking believe... you stole a bird!” Michael said, cackling so hard he was holding his sides. “Geoff’s face when you told him must have been priceless.”

            “He was bloody pissed alright,” Gavin said, grinning. “But its not like I can return him.” He stood, holding up the cage to show both Ray and Michael his latest steal. The other lads were no strangers to Gavin parading around a new stolen item of his. But the parrot was certainly a surprise compared to the normal stolen items of jewelry, wallets, and even shoes.

            “What were you even thinking? Why not take a puppy or a cat like a normal person?” Ray said.

            “Just think how funny it’ll be to have a parrot saying funny things around the base! Like swearing and stuff,” Gavin answers, waving the cage around a little.

            “No way Geoff’s letting you keep that,” Michael said, still laughing.

            “Well, not in the heist room. But he did say I could keep it in an apartment!”

            “Better be yours because I am not letting the bird in mine,” Ray said.

            “No, he’s bloody smelly. Micool, you should keep Mr. Squawk!”

            “First, I can’t believe you fucking named it that. Second, why the fuck would I want the shit collector?”

            “Please Michael,” Gavin said, giving his best puppy eyes.

            “Pwease Micoo,” Ray mimicked, adding more exaggeration to Gavin’s accent.

            “Fuck no,” Michael said firmly.

            “Pleeeeeaaase,” Gavin whines. “I can’t just bring him back, someone bad might own him.”

            “Gavin, we’re fucking wanted criminals.”

            “You know what I mean, you pleb. Just keep him in your apartment, all you have to do is feed it!”

            “No fucking way I’m keeping that thing in my home.”

* * *

 

            “I can’t fucking believe I’m keeping you in my home,” Michael said to Mr Squawk. The cage was set in the corner of his room, the bag of feed thrown onto the floor next to it. Michael was kneeling down in front of the cage staring at the bird. It just stared back. “Gavin said you knew some words already. Impress me bird. What do you know?” The bird just stared, remaining completely silent. Michael sighs.

            “We’ll probably just get rid of you in a few days anyway. So don’t get comfortable.” Michael turned off the lights in his room, draped some cloth over the cage and went to bed.

            Of course that’s the time the bird decides to make noise and it starts scratching against the cage. “Shut up!” Michael yelled at it. But the bird insists on making Michael regret ever giving in to Gavin’s smug fucking face.

            “Fucking stupid bird.”

            When Michael wakes up he didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep. Apparently at some point the goddamn bird shut up. Michael rolled over, turning off his alarm and got out of bed. He pushed aside the cloth and checked on the bird.

            “Oh good, you’re still alive,” Michael said sarcastically. He picked up some seed and put it in a small bowl that was in the cage. The bird cocked its head to one side and approached Michael. It made a few chirps and leaned towards Michael.

            “Guess you are kind of cute…” Michael mumbled and hesitantly pets the top of its head. The bird leaned into his touch. Michael isn’t sure how long he spends just petting the bird before his phone vibrated, snapping his focus away. It was a text from Geoff telling him to come in to help continue planning the next heist.

            “Well Mr. Squwaks, I got to go, try not destroy the house when I’m gone or I’ll throw you out onto the streets. Cage and all.”

* * *

 

            Two weeks later and another heist just successfully completed (well as successful as a heist can be completed with the Fake AH crew, which means they did get the money but a motorcycle and car were lost and a twisted ankle from Geoff gained), Michael, Gavin, and Ryan all headed to Michael’s apartment after the heist to lay low for a while. 

            They piled in, covered in grim, sweat, and, in Ryan’s case, blood. They were exhausted yet giddy from the adrenaline rush heists always give them. Gavin was chatty as ever, rehashing everything that just happened. Michael laughed along with him, correcting things that he said. Ryan was mostly silent, but his smile was noticeable even under the mask. He was still holding his pistol, but the safety since the danger had passed and was much less vigilant than how he gets during heists.

            The group must have made a lot of noise when entering and alerted Mr. Squawks, because the bird started chirping and banging around in his cage.

            “What the fuck is that?” Ryan said, whipping his pistol up and aiming into the house.

            “Relax dude, its my fucking parrot,” Michael said, taking off his jacket and taking the ammo out of his pistol.

            “When the fuck did you get a parrot?” Ryan said at the same time Gavin squealed and demands to see the parrot.

            “Gavin’s fault,” Michael answered, as if that explained everything. Which, as far as explaining things goes, is the usual answer to anything strange happening with the crew. “Gavin calm down, I’ll show you him.” Michael started leading the excited lad to the bedroom.

            Ryan raised an eyebrow, but didn’t follow the others, opting to clean himself up in the bathroom instead.

            “Look at him!” Gavin said upon seeing the bird. It was watching the pair enter, hopping closer to Michael. “You got a bigger cage too!” The cage spread across the entire wall, nearly taking up a third of the room. It was filled with all kinds of toys to entertain Mr. Squawks and branches for him to walk on.

            “You brought him in a cage way too small! Of course I had to buy him a bigger cage!” Michael said.

            “Look at how cute it is! See, stealing it was a great idea!” Gavin grinned and stuck his finger in the cage. “Come here little birdy- Oi!” Mr. Squawks had promptly bit Gavin’s finger.

            Michael howled with laughter. “Good work Squawks.” Michael opened the cage and gently picked him up. He set the bird on his arm and started rubbing his head. Squawks leaned against his petting, giving a small happy chirp.

            “Can the bloody bird at least talk?” Gavin said, rubbing his bitten finger. “Please tell me you taught it to swear, that would be top.”

            “Well, he has said a few things, but I can’t guarantee he’ll say anything right now.”

            Gavin grinned. “Talk little birdy!” But the bird remained silent, just staring at Gavin. 

            “He really doesn’t like you,” Michael laughed.

            Ryan later exited the shower to find the two lads sitting in the in front of the TV, watching the news that was covering their latest heist, and a fucking parrot sitting on Michael’s shoulder. Ryan just sighed as he approached them.

            “I understand Gavin stealing the parrot because we all know he has no impulse control-“ Ryan started.

            “I do!” Gavin interrupted but Ryan kept going.

            “But why do _you_ have it?” 

            “Because Gavin didn’t fucking want to keep it and its not like we can just waltz right back into the pet shop and return it,” Michael said.

            “I mean, you could’ve done that… Or brought it to a pet shelter,” Ryan said. 

            Michael opened his mouth to respond, but Mr. Squawks decided that was the perfect moment to speak.

            “ _Who’s a cute bird? Who’s a cute birdy?”_ he squawked out.

            There was a few seconds of silence before Gavin absolutely lost it. He squeaked with laughter, holding his side. Even Ryan gave a small chuckle.

            “Did you teach him that?” Gavin said between squeaks of laughter.

            “He must have learned that when he was at the pet shop,” Michael said, trying to brush it off.

            “ _Lovely Squwaks! Mr. Squawks!”_ Mr. Squawk sing-songed, hoping on Michael’s shoulder.

            Gavin and Ryan both started laughing again. “No bloody way he learned that at the pet store,” Gavin said.

            “Whatever,” Michael said, a little red coloring his cheeks.

            “Oh Micool do you care about the bird?” Gavin teased.

            “He’s just very friendly, ok?” Michael said.

            “ _Who’s a cute bird?”_ Mr. Squawks repeated.

            “Ok, that’s enough of you,” Michael said, grabbing the bird and setting it in his lap. The bird just happily chirped.

            “You know they say parrots only really connect with one person,” Ryan said. “They only tend to listen to that one person and repeat what they learn from them.”

            “How do you even know that?” Gavin said. 

            “Listen, you learn a lot of random information as you age,” Ryan said.

 

* * *

 

            “When the fuck did you get a parrot?” Jack said. She was just going through a checklist of things for a new heist they were planning when Michael entered the base looking a little worse for wear and a brightly colored parrot perched on his shoulder.

            “Seriously? I’ve had him for like three fucking months now! And Gavin fucking stole it from a pet store, he had to have bragged about it to you when he did,” Michael snapped.

            “Ok… Second question, why the fuck are you bringing it here?” Jack said.

            “It’s kind of a long story. Well, okay, it’s really not that long of a story. Someone broke into my apartment last night. Fortunately they were stupid enough to do it while I was home and Mr. Squawks was awake to alert me.”

            “What kind of name is that?” Jack interrupted.

            “Gavin named it,” Michael said. “Anyway, I started this morning having to hide a fucking body, get a new apartment, and wasn’t going to also have to leave Squawks all alone-“

            “ _What the fuck?!”_ Mr. Squawks interjected. Jack snorted with laughter.

            “That’s the last fucking time I teach you swears, you love them too much,” Michael said to the bird.

            Once Jack got a hold of herself and stopped laughing she asked, “Do you know who it was that tried to break in?”

            “Sorry I forgot to ask their name when I bashed their head in with a bat,” Michael said sarcastically.

            “Jesus, Michael why did you do that?”

            “They shot at my bird! I wasn’t going to let the motherfucker out of there alive after nearly killing Squawks!” 

            “ _Lovely Squawks!”_ Mr. Squawks added.

            “See, even Mr. Squawks thinks the bastard deserved it,” Michael said.

            Jack sighed. “Were they from another crew or something? If another crew has learned were any of us live, it could lead to trouble.”

            “I don’t think so. Think they chose the wrong house to try to steal from. Either way I’m still moving. Are any safe houses empty right now? I could crash at one of them until I find a new place.”

             “Yeah, I’ll see what I can do. Glad you’re all right though after the break in. You didn’t get hurt too badly did you?”

            “Nope, Mr. Squawks and I came out with barely a scratch,” Michael said as he reached up and pet Squawks head.

* * *

 

            “Why the fuck is there a parrot in the heist room?” was the first thing Geoff said as he entered said room.

              The crew was all sitting around the long table watching Mr. Squawks jumping around on the table. The maps and papers normally strewn across the table where piled into the corner of the room, leaving the table clear for the parrot. Michael held some kind of bell on a string and Mr. Squawks was jumping and trying to reach it. They all turned to Geoff when he spoke. Before anyone could respond though, Squawks shrieked out a “ _Who’s a cute bird?”_ causing the room to erupt into laugher.

            “Wait, is that the bird Gavin stole long ago?” Geoff said, pointing at the feathered escapee.

            “Yeah, its Michael’s now,” Gavin said.

            “How is that thing still alive then,” Geoff said.

            “Hey, I am a perfectly capable bird owner,” Michael snapped.

            “Ok but none of you even answered my first question, what is it doing _here_?” Geoff said.

            “Michael’s apartment got broken into,” Ray said, not bothering to explain further.

            Geoff sighed and ran a hand across his face. Everyday was a surprise with these assholes. “If that bird fucking poops in here, you dicks are cleaning it up,” Geoff said, pointing at the group. 

            “I’ll just teach him to poop on Gavin’s stuff,” Michael said.

            “Oi!”


	2. Ryan and Lady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter featuring Ryan and his dog Lady. 
> 
> Triggar Warning for mentions of animal abuse (nothing done by the crew).

            It all started with how most things seem to start with Ryan, a rumor. The man was covered in them. Many for good reason, you don’t rack up that high of a kill count and not get some rumors started. Most of the rumors are complete bullshit though. Ryan has never sold his soul to the devil or possessed magic. He’s not a vampire nor immortal. And, despite the newest rumor floating around, he’s never owned a hellhound. Yes he has a dog, but it’s neither from hell nor evil. But rumors spark curiosity. And when it comes to one Gavin Free, curiosity sparks stupidly breaking into Ryan’s house in the middle of the night to see the “hellhound”.

            Ryan was peacefully getting some goddamn sleep when a loud noise came from the kitchen. He jolted awake, snatching his pistol off the bedside table and throwing himself out of bed. His dog, laying across the bed, also woke up but only gave a sleepy yawn as she watched her owner. Ryan pressed his finger to his lips to warn her not to make any noise, hoping somehow she would understand that. The dog just laid her head on her paws. 

            Ryan slowly approached the bedroom door, ears straining to hear any more noise of the intruder. He took one hand off the pistol and onto the bedroom doorknob. He took a breath then threw the door open.

            As soon as the door flew open, an all too familiar squawk came from the silhouette in the kitchen where Ryan’s gun was aimed.

            “Gavin?!” Ryan yelled.

            “Bloody hell Ryan, nearly gave me a heart attack,” Gavin said.

            “I gave _you_ a heart attack?! What the fuck are you doing in my house? How did you even find my address?” Ryan shouted at him, flicking the lights on. 

            “I wanted to see if you really had a hellhound,” Gavin said innocently. “And I’m a master hacker Ryan, its not that hard to find where you live.”

            “Hellhound? What the fuck are you talking about?”

            At that moment, Ryan’s dog decided to come investigate the commotion and she sauntered into the kitchen. She plopped herself down next to Ryan, cocking her head to one side at Gavin. 

            “That!” Gavin said pointing at the dog. “It is true! You have an evil bloody dog!” He took a few steps away from it, holding his hands up.

            “Lady?” Ryan raised an eyebrow. “You think Lady is evil?” He petted the dog’s head and she looked up to lick his hand.

            “It looks evil! Is it missing an ear?”

            “Listen, it’s the middle of the fucking night. You woke both of us with breaking in, which is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done I could have shot you, and now you want to debate the potential deviltry of my dog? Go home Gavin. And don’t you ever try to sneak in my house again. Next time I will shoot,” Ryan said, raising his gun briefly to prove his point.

            Gavin didn’t even blink at the gun pointed at him though. Nor made a move to leave. “Is it your guard dog or something?” He cautiously took a step closer to the dog.

            “Gavin, I just fucking said to leave,” Ryan said in a threating tone, which normally sends people running. Gavin just waved his hand.

            “Or else you’re gonna set your dog on me?” Gavin jested. “Seriously, why do you have that thing?”

            Ryan sighed. God sometimes he wishes he could go back to when he first joined the crew and Gavin was scared of him. Those were the days. A threat from him would’ve sent Gavin cowering to Geoff or Michael. But unfortunately Gavin stopped being scared of him long ago. “First, she’s not my guard dog, she’s just my dog. Second, next time you want to know if I own supernatural creature or not you could, you know, _ask_ me instead of breaking into my house and nearly getting your big ass nose shut off.”

            “Like you would tell the truth! If I was secretly keeping a big badass dog, I wouldn’t tell you if you asked,” Gavin said. “And you’d have to break in so I didn’t have time to hide it or get rid of it to see it.”

            “I’m going to fucking kill you,” Ryan muttered under his breath. “Get the fuck out of my house so I can go back to bed and try to forget all of this nonsense ever happened.”

            “Fine, fine I’ll go,” Gavin said, heading towards the door. “Also, lovely heart boxers Ry~” he added just as he ducked out the front door.

            Gavin didn’t see Ryan’s cheeks redden with the realization he was in his boxers this entire time.

* * *

 

            Even if Ryan wanted to just forget what happened, Gavin certainly didn’t. And by the time Ryan came into the base the next morning, Gavin had managed to tell the entire crew about his apparent “dog from hell.”

            “When did you even get a guard dog?” was the first thing Geoff said to him when Ryan entered the heist room that morning. Everyone else was in there, in various stages of lounging in the chairs. Ray’s feet were up on the table, chair leaned back. Michael and Gavin were in some sort of heavy debate that stopped once Ryan entered. Jack was looking over some sort of documents and Geoff standing up, looking over the group. Ryan didn’t even get a “hello” or “good morning” from any of them. No, they all just want to know about his dog. 

            Ryan sighed. “Let me guess, Gavin told you all? Yes I have a dog. No she is not a guard dog. Or evil or from hell or whatever else Gavin might have said. She’s just my dog.”

            “When the fuck did you get a dog?” Michael said.

            “Why is it suddenly a big deal that I have a dog?” Ryan said.

            “Because you never told any of us,” Jack said.

            “And you’re _you_ ,” Gavin said, gesturing to Ryan and his infamous mask resting in his hands.

            “Don’t we have heist planning to do or something?” Ryan said, hoping to derail this entire conversation before it really happened.

            “We have plenty of time for that later. Now,” Geoff said, leaning over the table, “when did you get a dog?”

            Ryan sighed. “A few months back. I haven’t had her that long. Maybe three months?”

            “You’ve had a dog three months and haven’t told us? Ryan I’m hurt,” Ray said.

            “I didn’t think it was a big deal!” Ryan said.

            “Where did you even get it?” Jack said.

            “Rescued her,” Ryan responded, putting his hands on his hips.

            Michael laughed. “The big bad Vagabond rescued a fucking puppy. I would fucking love to see that headline.”

            “More like rescued her from a loving family she already had. Please tell me you at least didn’t murder her owners in front of her,” Ray said.

            “I mean…” Ryan started.

            “What?!” “You sick bastard!” “You didn’t!” “Ryan why!” the crew’s shouts joined together, mixed with laughter.

            “Listen, her owners weren’t good people,” Ryan held up his hands and tried to explain.

            “You’re not a good person!” Geoff said.

            “So you just murdered them and took their dog?” Ray said.

            “Her owners ran a dog fighting ring,” Ryan snapped.

            The room fell silent.

            “It was one of the smaller crews around here organizing it. I found out about it. Put a stop to it,” Ryan said firmly. “She was one of the few dogs deemed adoptable afterwards. She wasn’t involved in the fighting I guess, just for breeding. She’s old so most likely wasn’t going to be adopted, so I adopted her.” 

            “So that’s why she was missing an ear…” Gavin muttered.

             “Jesus Ryan, you didn’t take out an entire crew by yourself did you?” Geoff said.

            “Jeremy helped,” Ryan said, shrugging.

            “You could’ve gotten one of us to help!” Jack said, throwing her hands up. “That’s dangerous to do that without telling any of us! You could’ve gotten hurt! Jeremy could’ve gotten hurt!”

            “Look, Jeremy was just the one with me at the time. We were just checking potential rival gangs in the area and came across it. The good news is dog fighting won’t be a problem in this area again any time soon.”

            There were a few seconds of contemplative silence before Ray piped up, “What’s the Vagadog’s name?" 

            “And when can the rest of us meet this mysterious dog?” Michael said. 

            “Wait, didn’t you tell me her name last night? What was it, Lady or something?” Gavin said.

            The room erupted into laughter.

            “I can’t motherfucking believe you named your dog after a fucking Disney movie,” Geoff said between howls of laughter.

            “Lady Macbeth actually, not named after Disney,” Ryan said defensively.

            “I still can’t fucking believe you have a dog name Lady,” Michael laughed.

            “See, this is why I don’t tell you guys things,” Ryan huffed.

            “Seriously though, do we get to meet Lady?” Jack said.

            “Yeah, lets see your Lady~,” Ray said. 

            “I can bring her around tomorrow. Now can we go back to heist planning?” Ryan said.

            “Fine, now we can,” Geoff said, pushing himself away from the table and over to the map of Los Santos on the wall. “So here’s what we got so far…”

 

* * *

 

            True to his word, the next day Ryan rolled up to the base, dog in tow. At least Lady seemed excited to be out of the house and exploring today. Because Ryan most definitely was not.

            The first person Ryan saw when entering the base was Jeremy, who was just passing through. He paused when he noticed Ryan and the dog. Jeremy smiled and quickly approached the pair.

            “Hey its Lady!” Jeremy said, going over and petting her head. “How are doing girl? Its good to see you again.” Lady happily soaked up the attention, leaning into Jeremy’s petting. “What are you doing around here?”

            “Well Gavin somehow came under the assumption that I had a demon dog,” Ryan said, glaring at Jeremy. “And so he broke in to find it, then told the whole crew I had a dog and now they all want to meet her. You wouldn’t happen to know how Gavin heard that I had a hellhound, now would you?”

            “No idea man,” Jeremy said with feigned innocence. “People come up with the weirdest rumors sometimes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is as far as I have planned for this series of fics, but certainly doesn't mean I won't write more! If you have any suggestions of what animals other crew members should interact with/own I'd love to hear them! Send any suggestions over to my tumblr; shadeofazmeinya.tumblr.com


	3. Ray and Geoff Jr.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter featuring the lads planning a prank that ultimately involves a snake.

            They don’t get referred to as the Lads for nothing. They’re the younger of the crew and the youngest at heart. They’re each filled with childish energy that, when combined, usually doesn’t lead to anything good. The results of their antics include a giant dildo with the head filled with thumbtacks super glued to the ceiling of heist room (“It’s the dickltoe, like mistletoe but instead of kissing you gotta fuck,” Ray explained. Though no sex actually happened in the heist room), randomly stealing a news van and going around Los Santos pretending they were actually reporting news (“Hey Lads Team Action News reported the shit out of Los Santos that day,” Michael will say), long videos of police cars exploding set to trash pop music being sent to the Los Santos Police Station every day for nearly a month (Gavin still sends a video every now and then), and even once spray painting a giant dick along the side of the tallest building in the city (no one is really sure how they did it). Seeing the Lads whispering and snickering was a sure sign of bad things to follow. And this time was no exception.

            This latest idea came from, as how most come from, Gavin. “Did you guys know Geoff is terrified of snakes?” Gavin said as he walked into the armory were the rest of the Lads were.

            “How terrified we talking here?” Michael said, as he sorted through a bunch of C4 they had recently gotten a hold of. 

            “Like little girl scream and all,” Gavin grinned. “We just saw a little tiny one this morning and he nearly fell over! Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.”

            The lads all laughed. “So the infamous Geoff Ramsey, who’s name brings terror to all who hears it,” Ray said sarcastically, “is scared of snakes?” 

            Michael laughed. “What a joke.”

            Gavin then looked at the two other lads and grinned mischievously. That grin where you know he’s planning something and its not going to be good for someone. Michael and Ray both look at each other than back at Gavin.

            “What are you thinking?” Michael said, a mischievous grin of his own growing.

            “Ok, here me out,” Gavin started. “We get a snake. And put it at random places around the base. And scare the pants off Geoff. But none of us say its ours. So Geoff just thinks we have a snake infestation.”

            Michael and Ray snickered. “Geoff going to fucking murder you after he finds out,” Michael said.

            “No he won’t, Geoff loves me,” Gavin grinned.

* * *

 

            The Lads planned it all out. They’d get a pet snake from a pet store; well more specifically they’ll steal a snake. From the same pet store the parrot came from. They really need to update their security. Then they’ll put the snake in various locations around the base, each time making sure Geoff sees it. Record it on various hidden cameras. Then return the snake. Simple plan, simple execution. They had gotten as far as stealing the snake until they realized a small bump in the plan.

            “What do you mean Geoff’s gone for the week?” Michael yelled at Gavin. The Lads were all at his apartment, a freshly stolen snake in a box, and ready to start Plan Scare The Pants Off Geoff. 

            “He just bloody texted me! He’s going out for a week to make arrangements with the FakeHaus crew!” Gavin retorted.

            “You didn’t know about this beforehand?” Ray said. 

            “I may have forgotten…” 

            “You fucking idiot!” Michael yelled.

            “It’ll be fine! We just keep the snake for a week then scare Geoff. It’ll be exactly the same,” Gavin said.

            “Ok, but who the fuck is keeping the snake? I’m not fucking keeping a snake around Squawks,” Michael said, folding his arms.

            “Well I can’t bloody keep it, I share an apartment with him!”

            Michael and Gavin then both looked over at Ray.

            “Oh, no I’m not keeping a snake!”

            “Ray you have to!” Gavin said.

            “It’ll only be for a week, then you can get rid of it,” Michael added.

            “Fuck you guys,” Ray said.

            “So you’ll do it?” Gavin said.

            “Fine I’ll do it, but you two owe me. I’m talking fancy dinner and all.”

            “We’ll take you to Taco Bell, how’s that?” Michael said.

            “You guys fucking suck,” Ray said but took the snake box.

* * *

 

            There’s a lot of things Ray is known for. His ability to make friends is not one. So it really shouldn’t be a surprise Ray wasn’t excited to be stuck with a pet for a week. Its not like he wasn’t going to take care of it. He’ll make sure it doesn’t die. After all, the prank isn’t as good with a dead snake. But don’t be asking him to befriend the thing. Ray couldn’t care less for pets. And he especially couldn’t care less for a pet snake. 

            “You better be worth the prank we’re gonna pull,” Ray said, hunched on the counter the snake was on so he could be eye level with it.

            The snake flicked its tongue in response.

            “Don’t talk back to me,” Ray said sarcastically. The snake continued flicking its tongue and Ray rolled his eyes. “Might as well find out how to take care of you for a week,” he pulled out his phone and started the fun searching on Google on how the fuck to take care of a snake.

            The next day, Ray shambled back into his apartment, dragging his feet across the doorway. He set his sniper rifle on the ground and threw his backpack to the floor. The day had consisted of a lot of running from police, running into a different gang, then running away from the other gang, until finally running away from the police a second time. All because Gavin wanted to steal a goddamn fire truck. _Again_. Ray wasn’t built for that kind of cardio.

            He sighed against the table. He glanced over towards the snake cage set on the small table in the small apartment. He huffed out a laugh.

            “At least you can just sit there all day and not have to run around,” Ray said over towards the snake. The snake just raised its head. “Or have any stupid friends that cause you to have to run around.”

            Ray made his way over to the cage and sat down next to it. His leaned on the table and just stared at the snake. The snake stared back. And Ray just started talking to it. Telling the snake about the worst day of running he’s ever had. Telling it about all the others of the crew. Telling it about what he does and how even though the crew is filled “with the biggest idiots in the entire world” he wouldn’t want it any other way.

            Ray isn’t sure how long he just sat in front of the snake and talked. The snake seemed to be staring back at it the whole time, as if listening. Ray talked longer to this snake then he’s probably ever held a conversation with anyone. The sun had long set and Ray yawned.

            “Fuck, I should probably get some sleep here. If there’s more running around like this I have to get at least some energy. Who am I kidding, if this happens again I’m just flat out refusing to run. They can carry my Puerto Rican ass. None of this would’ve happened if Geoff was here too.” Ray sighed. “Welp, good night snake." 

            Ray pushed himself away from the table and towards his room, but paused. “You know, we never gave you a name.” He said, turning back to the snake. “I know the perfect one, you’ll be Geoff Jr. Its fucking perfect.”

            Ray started a habit the rest of the week telling Geoff Jr. everything he did that day when he got back to the apartment. Two days into owning him and Ray started petting the snake’s head. Day three he took him out of the cage and just held him. By the end of the week, Ray let the snake curl around his shoulders and arms as he silently played video games into the night. Ray doesn’t think he ever got along with something so fast. Even with Michael, it took about a month before Ray would even let him shake his hand. It’s probably because the snake doesn’t talk back, Ray figured. I don’t have to worry about it doing or saying something stupid.

 

* * *

 

 

            “So Geoff comes back tomorrow,” Gavin grinned at the other two lads. “So we just have to come in earlier than him tomorrow and plant the snake and a video camera.” 

            Gavin and Michael could barely hold in their laughter, already giddy with excitement for the prank.

            “I don’t think we should do it,” Ray said, shocking the other two.

            “What why? Don’t tell me you’re suddenly going soft now,” Michael said.

            “I just don’t want Geoff to fucking kill the snake or something,” Ray said, crossing his arms. 

            “Geoff won’t touch the thing,” Gavin said. 

            “You’re going soft for the snake?” Michael said.

            “What, no I just don’t want to deal with a dead snake,” Ray deflected. “If we’re doing this, I’m standing nearby to stop Geoff before he shoots the thing.”

            “Who cares, if he shoots it, you don’t have to return it,” Michael said.

            “Maybe I don’t want to return it,” Ray mumbled.

            “Aww, do you like the snake?” Gavin cooed. “Did you name it and everything? Do you call it cute like Michael does with his parrot?”

            “I did name it actually, its Geoff Jr.,” Ray grinned.

            The other lads burst into laughter. “That’s the best fucking name,” Michael said in between his laughter.

 

* * *

 

            The prank had been worth it, going off without a hitch. The lads have never heard Geoff scream so loud or jump so high. The video had gotten replayed a thousand times and shown to every single person on the base at least twice. Geoff threatened to fire every single people and bury their bodies in the river. The lads got the second best reaction later when Ray told Geoff the name of the snake. Geoff had to avoid Ray the entire day, since Ray was always holding the snake. Every time Geoff entered a room Ray was in, he quickly turned around and walked out. The lads have never laughed that hard for so long.

            And Geoff Jr. remained unharmed and safe in Ray’s pocket the entire time. And most importantly, stayed forever with Ray at his apartment. (Which Geoff never visited again. Ever)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that theres like no editing done on this chapter. I felt I took long enough with it. If you have any suggestions or just want to talk headcanons, please don't be afraid to send a message to my tumblr: shadeofazmeinya.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the first Fake AH Crew fics I've written, so I hope you all enjoy! Because its certainly not going to be the last Fake AH Crew thing I'll write.


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